How to Look Approachable

Parties and other social functions can really be a drag sometimes. You stand by the punchbowl or sit down on a sofa and watch everybody else mingling, but nobody seems to want to chat with you. You’re attractive, witty, and interesting; what’s wrong with these people? It could be that you’re sending out the wrong signals. No matter how beautiful you are or how good a conversationalist you can be, if you look intimidating or preoccupied, people may be afraid to talk to you. Here’s how to use your body language to look more friendly and approachable.

Steps

1.  

   

    

   

   Folded arms act as a barrier between you and the world.

   Be aware of what your body is saying. We all speak with body language, and you don’t have to actually say anything to communicate a message to others. Unfortunately, your body may not always say what you want it to. If your gestures and posture are saying “I’m too busy to talk,” or “Leave me alone,” it’s not likely people will approach you. Other people watch your body for cues, so it’s important to pay attention to what cues you’re displaying.

2. Open up. When people are uncomfortable in a situation they have a tendency to display closed body language. Examples include folding your arms in front of you, hunching over, and positioning your body so that you’re angled away from others. These signals imply that you’d rather be left alone. If you’d rather not be left alone, make sure you’re displaying open body language by angling yourself toward other people, sitting or standing with an upright (but not stiff) posture, and uncrossing your arms.
3. Use your eyes. Your eyes are not only your window to the world, they’re also other people’s window into you. If you bury your head in a book, stare at the floor, or look up at the ceiling, you close that window. This is all well and good if you don’t want to be bothered on your commute to work, but if you want to look friendly and approachable, scan your environment with your eyes, and don’t be afraid to make eye contact with people.

4.  

   

    

   

   A genuine smile uses the whole face, especially the eyes.

   Smile. A warm, inviting smile can put anyone at ease, and it also makes you look like you’re having a great time, which makes people want to be around you and get in on the fun. If you catch someone’s eye, be sure to give a little smile, and be sure to smile often during small talk. It lets people know you appreciate talking to them. Smile with your eyes. When you do make eye contact, don’t stare or glare. Instead, soften your eye expression and make your eyes “smile” or “twinkle” to show that you’re friendly and interested in talking to the other person. If you’re not sure how to smile with your eyes, get in front of a mirror and practice smiling without using your mouth. The eyes are actually more important than the mouth to what most people consider a “genuine” smile.

5.  

   

    

   

   One example of a nervous self-comfort gesture…

    

   

    

   

   and another. Unless you’re drinking from the glass, don’t hold it near your mouth. It creates a barrier between you and others.

   Beware self-comfort gestures. Nervousness manifests itself in body language in many ways. It’s okay to feel nervous, but if you really want to socialize and meet people you should be careful not to appear nervous. Touching your hand to your face, especially putting it over your mouth, or, if you have a drink, holding your glass by your mouth can give people the impression that you’re not interested in talking to them. Metronomic gestures, such as foot tapping, can signal impatience or boredom, so people may think you don’t have time to talk or aren’t interested in conversation. Other nervous habits — picking at your cuticles or biting your fingernails for instance — can also make you appear distant or lost in thought. Once again, just pay attention to what your body is saying, and you can avoid putting up these barriers.

6. Approach others. If people aren’t approaching you, why not go to them? Nothing makes you look more outgoing and approachable than actively seeking out people and talking to them. If you’re in an environment where you don’t know anybody, the longer you wait alone, the more uncomfortable you’re bound to feel.
7. Have a good time. Your body language usually communicates your deepest emotions at any given time, and it’s not easy to fake body language. The best way to look approachable, then, is to actually enjoy yourself in social interactions. If you feel anxious in social settings, or if you’re uncomfortable around people of the opposite sex, get over your anxiety by seeking out opportunities to interact with people. If you have especially strong social anxiety (a common condition), you may find it helpful to seek out counseling or talk to your doctor.

Tips

• Compliment others. It’s a great way to show interest in other people and start conversations. Most people just love getting a compliment and positive attention, and talking about themselves. Just be sure it’s sincere and appropriate. Ask follow-up questions to keep the conversation moving.
• In a social situation, such as a party, offer to help out in some way. Your host or hostess will likely be appreciative, and sometimes having a specific task may help you feel more focused than just standing around feeling awkward. It’s a great way to meet others and be sociable without having to feel you don’t know what to do. Excellent tasks: cutting vegetables, washing dishes, keeping the music going, picking up used plates, etc. Don’t over-focus and use the task as an excuse for not engaging in conversation, and vice versa.
• In uncomfortable situations, you may find that you touch your face a bit more than usual or, if you have a drink, you may hold a glass in front of your face. These are unconscious protective reactions that signals to others that you don’t want to be approached. As long as you’re aware of these gestures, however, you can avoid them.
• Reading a newspaper or wearing headphones can ease the monotony of a long train ride, but in situations where you want to look approachable, lose these props.
• Position yourself for conversation. If you’re standing up, but everybody else is sitting down (or vice versa) people will find it difficult and somewhat awkward to talk to you. If you want to talk to someone, or if you’re already talking with someone, position yourself so that you can comfortably talk.
• Do not gauge someone’s interest level based solely on how approachable or unapproachable they appear. The person may not realize what their body language conveys.
• Body language suggests a mirror issue. That is… Do you like yourself? Are you very perfectionist? Do you talk with your neighbors? To animals? Do you care for your pet? This could help to keep you aware of your actual tastes and less of the tastes of your friends.

Warnings

• There may indeed be times when you don’t want to look approachable. Closed body language can be useful to fend off potential attacks, to get rid of unwanted suitors or to tell panhandlers you don’t want to be bothered.
• Remember that it’s easy to misread body language. Next time you’re at a party and see someone huddled in a corner with arms crossed and eyes on the floor, keep in mind that they might just be uncomfortable because they don’t know anyone. Who knows? They might be an interesting person who would welcome your approach.

Clearing your email inbox

The truth is that you probably can take the average email inbox — even a relatively neglected one — from full to zero in about 20 minutes. It mostly depends on how much you really want to be done with it. The dirty little secret, of course, is that you don’t do it by responding to each of those emails but by ruthlessly processing them. Is that how you thought this worked? Answering 500 emails in 20 minutes? Jeez, it’s no wonder you’re such a mess. Your cognitive dissonance is epic.

Here’s the deal: your email has been accumulating because you don’t have the time to answer it properly, which is certainly reasonable and accurate. You also fear losing track of the email you haven’t responded to — that it will fall between the cracks. This fear is also reasonable and accurate. But you’re just as keenly aware that with the backlog of email you have plus the increasing rate of incoming messages you receive each day, you can’t possibly ever catch up. This, sadly, is also entirely reasonable and accurate. It’s all reasonable and it’s all accurate, but come on: something’s gotta give.

There’s an easy but non-obvious way to win at this Catch-22: you cheat. You rewrite the rules. You adapt at a higher level. You don’t answer them all. Not even most of them.

MJ PEAK PERFORMANCE: Snooze, You Win – Improve your mental and physical performance by power napping

Snooze, You Win
According to new studies, nothing tunes up mind and body like a good nap. But there’s an art to catching the right kind of z’s.

When billionaire adventurer Steve Fossett broke the record for around-the-world solo jet flight last March, he slept just 60 minutes in 67 hours of flight time — 60 minutes broken into two- and three-minute naps. “I slept when I needed it and awoke refreshed,” he says. Fossett, who holds world records in ballooning, sailing, and flying, adds that none of his feats could have been done without these micro-variety “power naps.”

So what makes a power nap effective? Think of it as an investment with the greatest return in the least amount of time, a kind of super-efficient sleep that fits nicely in a high-pressure schedule: say, between business meetings or in the minutes before a game.

Napping in general benefits heart functioning, hormonal maintenance, and cell repair, says Dr. Sara Mednick, a scientist at the Salk Institute for Biological Studies who is at the forefront of napping research. A power nap, says Mednick, simply maximizes these benefits by getting the sleeper into and out of rejuvenative sleep as fast as possible. No surprise that Lance Armstrong’s coach, Chris Carmichael, says that “naps were critical in his overall training plan.” In Manhattan, napping has become a lucrative business: MetroNaps in the Empire State Building provides darkened cot-like redoubts that attract Broadway actors between shows as well as investment bankers who otherwise would fall asleep at their desks. And in Iraq, U.S. Marine commanders have mandated a power nap before patrols.